Winning Idea for Americans, Dogs (column) | Local voices
Our elected officials in Washington, DC, produce bad ideas like cows produce methane.
But if Congress really wants to do something to improve the lives of Americans – and remember, I said “if” – I have an idea.
Not only would this idea garner significant bipartisan support, but it would score massive political points without sowing further discord among Americans and driving the country to another level of oblivion. Maybe a nice change of pace.
Here it is: Congress should immediately seek an immediate court injunction prohibiting all television commercials involving a doorbell.
I stand with some 78 million American dog owners and their mutts, calling for the drafting of emergency legislation. We can call it the American Ding-Dong Law. It works on so many levels.
Laugh if you will, cat owners and non-dog owners alike, but you need to understand the impact of TV doorbells on the quality of life of Americans. I’m talking to you too, DoorDash.
With every TV doorbell our Great Dane, Bosco, and his stocky-legged Corgi sidekick, Henry, trigger a cacophony of barking and yapping that comes straight from Satan’s Spotify. I also found out that yelling “It’s a TV doorbell!” It’s a TV doorbell! on dogs in an effort to get them to stop has little or no effect.
See, in the mind of a dog with no sense of context or object permanence, the doorbell triggers a small thought bubble, which contains a small man wearing a mask and wearing a crowbar, standing at our front door. Although it doesn’t exist, the dogs rush to the front door making as much noise as possible in order to scare it away.
To date, their record is spotless.
For this reason, Halloween is my nemesis. Loud tiny kids in costumes, moving quickly and frantically and ringing the doorbell. What could be worse? Five hours in a row of head barking.
I must admit that this past Halloween, I got dark. I sat in my house as if I was waiting for an air raid.
To make matters worse, my next door neighbor had built an elaborate system of pulleys and cables on which skeletons and various other ghosts flew around his front yard. Very impressive. A crowd gathered outside his house to watch the show. I know this because I hid by the front door to get rid of the trash and saw the crowds. I suddenly realized I might be spotted and quickly reversed my steps, afraid of being caught off guard and forever marked as “the guy who hates kids”.
I am clearly not the only one affected by the doorbell problem. I recently visited an Internet forum – is there another place with more reliable information? – which included many complaints:
“I hate it when I’m on the phone and the two (dogs) start barking and running for the door!” “
I understand you.
“(My dog) not only barks at TV bells, he stops what he’s doing and barks at dogs on TV.”
“These doorbell ads seem so real that one night my husband got up and went to the door.”
I was unable to confirm reports that the lady’s husband then chased the postman down the street.
Should I continue?
Let me pause here because I know that after this article is published I will receive a know-it-all email that will point out that dogs can be trained not to bark at the door. .
So whoever you are, I’ll save you the trouble and write the email for you.
If you knew anything about dogs, you would be training your dog not to bark at the door. That’s what I did. Rather than wasting your time writing about it, why not spend some time training these dogs?
I guess I should answer.
Dear without humor:
I am well aware that dogs can be trained. In fact, we sent our Great Dane to boarding school for two weeks. It didn’t take. He’s already spent five minutes barking at a cooked turkey, so you see what I’m up against. Thank you anyway for the advice.
I often chat about how Congress is failing America by getting involved in trivial matters. But if “all politics are local,” my front door might be a good place to start.
Rich Manieri, Philadelphia-born journalist and author, is professor of journalism at Asbury University in Kentucky. He was previously an LNP | LancasterOnline Deputy Opinion Editor. His column is distributed by the Cagle union. Contact him at [email protected]